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<% SELECT CASE right(second(now),4) CASE "0" %>

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men's. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly!

At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us."

"What is it?" asked Mr. Davies.

"Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her butt."

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

<% CASE "1" %>

George was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said George. " As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week".

"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

<% CASE "2" %>

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy - isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"

<% CASE "3" %>

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit...

Man, "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!"

Girl, "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man, "It's been ten years!"

With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man, "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl, "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man, "It's been ten years"

The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man, "Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

<% CASE "4" %>

A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding from around the tree. "He's certainly not my husband, I can tell" said the first lady.

"Disgusting - I'm glad he's not mine either" said the second lady.

"It really is a damned cheek." said the third, "That's not even a club member!"

<% CASE "5" %>

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

<% CASE "6" %>

A Jew, a Catholic and a Morman were having drinks at the bar after an inter-faith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

The Catholic poo-poohed this acomplishment, stating, "That's nothing boy, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!"

<% CASE "7" %>

Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead."

"That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

<% CASE "8" %>

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

<% CASE "9" %>

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!"

"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"

<% CASE "10" %>

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, every time I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas." He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.

The doctor says, "Hmmm, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.

"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.

"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.

<% CASE "11" %>

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

<% CASE "12" %>

One day a Blonde was Walking down the street when the club pro saw her out of the glimpse of his eye and yelled, "Do you want to play?"

She replied, "No. I don't know how to I don't even know how to hold the caddy."

<% CASE "13" %>

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and figuring he might as well live it up a little he rented a 7-series BMW to go to the nearest golf course for a round of golf. On the way there he noticed that the car was low on gas and stopped at a small out-of-the-way gas station to fill up. The attendant was obviously impressed by the car and while the golfer was on the way to the men's room the attendant noticed that he had dropped some small 'things' while he was getting out of the car. Not knowing what they were and hoping for a big tip, when the golfer returned to the car the attendant asked, "Excuse me sir, but are these yours?"

"Yes, thanks! Those are my tees."

"What are they for?"

"They are to put my balls on when I'm driving"

"Damn German engineers think of everything don't they?!"

<% CASE "14" %>

Husband and wife were playing in the mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a metre from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it five metres beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, "We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five."

"Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."

<% CASE "15" %>

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

<% CASE "16" %>

"Tom" sits in the clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. "Not worth it" he muttered, "never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk."

A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over herd Toms words leaned across and said, "come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf."

<% CASE "17" %>

A golfer arrives in heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate. "We usually don't get golfers here you know, they swear too much," he says to the golfer.

"I've only ever used fould language once, Sir," the golfer replies.

"Tell me about it," St. Peter says.

"Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the woods."

"And that's when you swore?" St. Peter asks.

"No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the center of the fairway but it ended up in the fairway trap."

"And that's when you swore?" St. Peter asks again.

"No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell twenty yards short of the green."

"And then you swore?" St. Peter asks impatiently.

"No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup."

To this St. Peter exclaims, "Don't tell me you missed the *&$%@#@#* six-inch putt."

<% CASE "18" %>

After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered coolly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball......…….....after you hit it"!

<% CASE "19" %>

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

<% CASE "20" %>

"Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the curious golfer.

"It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass"

<% CASE "21" %>

Two golfers just came back to the club house for a drink. They overheard two Irish men talking,"I used to live in Dublin too," said one.

"I moved here when I was 10 too," said the other.

"My last name is O'Leary too."

The two golfers that had heard asked a man walking by, "Who are these guys?"

The man said, "Oh! That's the O'Leary twins, there just drunk again."

<% CASE "22" %>

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy handed him the four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt!"

<% CASE "23" %>

Tom's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?"

"Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."

"Let me tell you, it ricocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!"

"Oh my God! What should I do?"

"Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . . ."

<% CASE "24" %>

A couple has a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day."

"I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day."

"That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."

<% CASE "25" %>

"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married."

"Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."

<% CASE "26" %>

There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, "I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress."

So his friend replies, "I'll go up and ask them." When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend, "Small world".

<% CASE "27" %>

A golfer in a foursome was playing an extremely tough hole one summer day. He was making a very tricky putt as a funeral procession was going by. He holed out the shot anyway. Afterwards his partner said "You must have nerves of steel to sink such a tricky putt while that funeral was going by."

"Yes, we would have been married 25 years today if she was still alive."

<% CASE "28" %>

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees!"

<% CASE "29" %>

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love. On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean. "Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."

His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

<% CASE "31" %>

A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, "Please don't go. I love you and I want you to stay with me."

The woman replied, "You don't understand...I'm a hooker."

The man said, "That's no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip."

<% CASE "32" %>

Two male golfers are standing on the 10th tee. Bill takes about 20 practice swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his stance just as much.

"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven's sake. We don't have all day!" says Jim.

"Hold on a minute, I gotta do this right. See the woman standing up there on the clubhouse porch? That's my wife and I would like to get off the perfect shot," replied Bill.

Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill's wife. You must be kidding. You couldn't hit her from here.

<% CASE "33" %>

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Mike had had enough.

He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

<% CASE "34" %>

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. Our golfer said "yes, she ran into the woods".

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady. He said yes, they ran that way through the woods. The man said thanks and started to run off when the
golfer stopped him and asked, "hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "you see we work at a sanitarium nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and make love".

The golfer then asked, "well what's the bucket of sand for???"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh that's my handicap, you see I caught her last time!!

<% CASE "35" %>

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

<% CASE "36" %>

Myself and a fellow caddy recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed "I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?"

My friend the caddy replied that "there are plenty worse than you sir but they are no longer playing."

<% CASE "37" %>

An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad news" she tells the golfer.

"What's the good news?" asks the golfer.

"The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth."

"What's the bad news then?" he asks.

"You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

<% CASE "38" %>

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

<% CASE "39" %>

The man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, "I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green". When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot.

About six months later the husband was playing golf with a friend and sure enough he hit his ball behind the same barn. His friend said, "I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green".

The husband said, "I don't think I can do this and I hate this hole".

His friend said, "it's not that hard and why do you hate this hole?"

The husband said, after bowing his head, "the last time I played this hole I got an 8!"

<% CASE "40" %>

I knew four guys in my old neighborhood who used to play EVERY Saturday no matter what. The course they played stayed open all year round even when there was snow on the ground. I asked him whether he used an orange ball when he played in the snow, and he told me that when the snow was deep enough, it didn't matter. He said an orange ball doesn't help much which it goes 6 inches deep into the snow. They would just look for the little hole where the ball went in and then dig around until they found it. Since not many other people were crazy enough to play under these conditions there weren't too many footprints in the snow, so they almost always found their balls.

Anyway, these guys went out one Saturday in the rain and were playing their normal round with some pretty heavy wagering, I might add. But on the third tee, the wet driver slipped in my friend Harry's hand and he hit a shot off the toe of the driver and it hit my other neighbor George in the head, killing him on the spot. I was over at Harry's house borrowing a post-hole digger from his wife when he came home. I can still here him tell about what happened as if it were yesterday.

His wife asked him how the day went and he said: " It was terrible, all day long it was, hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George."

<% END SELECT %>

 
 
<% SELECT CASE right(second(now),4) CASE "0" %>

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high and over the tree. Unfortunately, not high enough to clear the tree. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds to the right. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

<% CASE "1" %>

A lady was vaccuming the bedroom one day when she hit something under the bed. When she pulled it out, she was amazed to find a shiny silver box with nine golf balls and $25,000 in cash inside. When her husband came home, she called him up to the bedroom. "Honey, what is with the box? There's nine golf balls and $25,000 in here?"

The man looked at the floor and replied sheepishly, "Well, every time we have had bad sex, I put a golf ball in
there."

"That's not bad," the wife replied, "we've been married for 25 years and there's only nine in there, but what's with the money?"

"Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

<% CASE "2" %>

Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf. "What I like about golf," the first guy said, "is that you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind."

"Screw that," said his friend. "I'll tell you why golf is such a great game. Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him!"

<% CASE "3" %>

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.

One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"

"Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods
and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes."

"That's great. Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

<% CASE "4" %>

Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?

O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

<% CASE "5" %>

Tiger Woods is visiting a posh and popular southern states-area Country Club after winning the Masters Championship. He finds the front doors locked. After ringing the ornate doorbell, a club member sticks his head out and looks Tiger up and down. "Can I help you?", he asks.

Tiger replies, "Yes, I'd like to play a round of golf at your club."

The uppity club member shocks Tiger by saying: "Sorry, you can't play here. The club for your kind is about a 4 iron down the road."

Angered almost beyond control, Tiger straightens his green jacket and screams, "But, I'm Tiger Woods, the 1997 PGA Masters Champion!!!"
The man, obviously embarrased, hits himself in the forehead and says, "Oh, Tiger Woods! I'm so sorry! It's only about a 7 iron for you."

<% CASE "6" %>

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"My schedule is pretty open actually - any night next week is OK with me."

<% CASE "7" %>

According to a recent survey on American sports...

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for frontline workers is FOOTBALL (read Gridiron).

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

CONCLUSION

The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls become.

<% CASE "8" %>

A man is out playing golf and is having the round of his life. He comes up to the 17th hole, a long par 5 with a large oak tree in the middle of the fairway. He hits a beautiful tee shot down the left side of the fairway. When he gets to his ball, he finds that there is one limb hanging over the fairway that may interfere with his 2nd shot. The man thinks to himself, "Do I pull out a 7 iron and play it safe or do I pull out the 3 wood and go for it?"

Seeing as the man has been having the best round of his life he decides to pull out the 3 wood and go for it. He hits his second shot which hits the overhanging limb, bounces straight back at him striking him in the head and instantly kills him.

Now the man is at the Pearly Gates and is standing in front of Saint Peter. Saint Peter is looking in his book and can not seem to find the man's name. Finally, Saint Peter is so frustrated that he asks the man, "How did you get here?"

The man replies, "I got here in two."

<% CASE "9" %>

LAW of GOLF #2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

<% CASE "10" %>

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro. The Pro then called a Caddy. "Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Handicap Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."

<% CASE "11" %>

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and make out passionately.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

<% CASE "12" %>

LAW of GOLF #5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

<% CASE "13" %>

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

<% CASE "14" %>

Three members of a foursome are standing in the fairway waiting for their fourth to hit his ball from 30 yards into the right rough. While waiting, one guy asked another how his son was doing. The fellow replied, "Really great !! You know that he is a car salesman and he sold so many cars last year that the dealership told him he could give a car to anyone he chose, and at no cost."

"That's wonderful", said the first guy. "Sounds like my son, who is a boat salesman. He sold such a high dollar amount of boats that the dealer gave him a 19 foot runabout to give away to anyone he wished."

The third fellow chimed in, "That's amazing! My son sells condos for a living and he also did so well last year that the developer told him he could give a 1 bedroom unit to anyone of his choosing."

About that time, the fourth member gets back to the fairway and joins his buddies. One asks, "John, how is your son doing ??" John replied, "Oh I'd rather not talk about him if you don't mind. I just found out that my son is gay."

"Oh wow, that's a shame John", said the first golfer, "That must be hell for you to deal with."

"Well I guess it's not all bad" said John, "Just last month he received a free car, a free boat, and a free condo !!"

<% CASE "15" %>

A man and lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed . At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds. By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won.

Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. "Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of $100 bonus if either of us should win." Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed.

The lady took out her pants and undo her knicker. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start.

At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!"

<% CASE "16" %>

A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, "You know... you look like my third husband."

He says, Oh yeah and then asks her how many times she's been married. "Twice," she replies.

<% CASE "17" %>

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.

The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes.

The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.

The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

<% CASE "18" %>

Earl won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an
envelope.

When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher
for a free visit to a brothel. He had never been to one before but he
decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and
went with her to her room.

Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked,

"Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

<% CASE "19" %>

Once, the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit, you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole and, as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

<% CASE "20" %>

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

<% CASE "21" %>

Three friends who had a regular 8:00 am golf game were standing on the first tee waiting to begin. They noticed a stranger who was standing on the putting green, by himself. They asked him if he would like to play along. He agreed, and the match began. The three of them agreed that the stranger, a right-handed player, had a great swing. Sure enough, he made 18 straight pars. Enthusiastic about the great player they had met, they asked him if he would like to play the next day. "Sure, and I won't be more than two minutes late."

The next morning the stranger was there, right on time. To their amazement, however, he took out a set of left-handed golf clubs. Using a perfect left-handed swing, he again made 18 straight pars. The group was overwhelmed. The invitation was again extended for the next morning. "I'd love to play. I won't be more than two minutes late."
The next morning, the stranger arrived...as he warned, two minutes late.

The group could no longer hold their curiosity. One of the said, "Hey, buddy, you're the greatest golfer we've ever played with. You made 18 pars in a row the first day right-handed and 18 pars in a row the second day left-handed. How do you possibly decide from which side you will play?"

"Oh, that's easy", the stranger answered. "I use my wife as a guide. If she wakes up on her right side, I play right-handed. If she wakes up on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she wakes up on her back?", one of the three asked.

"That's when I'm two minutes late."

<% CASE "22" %>

Top 10 things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

1. "Nuts....my shaft is bent."
2. "After 18 holes I can barely walk."
3."You really whacked the hell out of that sucker."
4. "Look at the size of his putter."
5. "Mind if I join your threesome?"
6. "Stand with your back turned and drop it."
7. "Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more."
8. "My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip."
9. "Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired."
10. "Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first."

<% CASE "23" %>

This hacker approaches the 18th tee box,It's a par 3 island green surrounded by water. Well after his so far terrible day of golf, he decides he had better use an old golf ball. He steps up to put the ball on the tee and hears a voice from above. The voice says, "USE A NEW BALL." So the guy proceeds to pull a new ball out of his bag and tee it up. He hears the voice again. "TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So the guy takes a practice swing.

Then he hears the voice again "PUT THE OLD BALL BACK!"

<% CASE "24" %>

This guy takes the day off work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit his shot when he hears "Ribbit. 9 iron." The guy looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again he hears "Ribbit. 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides he will humor the thing. He pulls his nine iron and proceeds to land the ball 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked and amazed, to say the least. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

Figuring he has nothing to lose, the guy takes the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the guy asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out his three wood and, BOOM! Hole in one! The first of his life. The guy is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
round, he has shot the best score of his life. The guy decides he should hang on to the frog for awhile and asks the frog, "OK, what next?"

The frog replies "Ribbit. Las Vegas." So off they go to Las Vegas.

Once there the guy says, "OK, what next?"

"Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon getting to the Roulette table the guy says, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "$3000, black 6."

Now this is a million to one shot, but after the golf, the guy figures, what the heck. BOOM! Tons of cash comes sliding his away from across the table. The guy takes his winnings and gets the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I'm forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Kiss me."

The guy figures, why not? After all the frog did for him, he figures it's the least he could do....what would it hurt? With the kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

<% CASE "25" %>

Elle Mc Pherson has taken up golf and has been trying to break 100 but can't. She's had 100, 101,102 but still can't crack the ton. One day she turns up at her local course and asks three guys teeing off if she can join in. These guys are wrapped and agree immediately. She tells them of her desire to break 100 and one of the guys says, "Well, we are three handy players and we'll give you a few tips on the way around and see what happens."

After 17 holes, Elle is at 95 and only a short par 4 lies between her and her dream. After 3 shots she lies only 12 inches from the cup. Elle turns to the 3 guys and says, "OK, I only need this putt to break 100 and you guys have been giving me great tips all day. The guy who gives me the best tip and helps me get this putt, I will make wild passionate love to them right here, right now! This will not be any average roll in the hay, this will be earth shattering, mind blowing knee trembling ohh my god unbelievable love making session ever. You will be telling your children about this and they in turn will tell their's and their grandchildren will still be telling their grandchildren long after you have gone!"

These 3 guys get a little nervy as the prize on offer is awesome and Elle turns to the first guy and asks, "What's your tip?"

He replies, "It's a little left to right breaker, just aim at that leaf and let the ball die into the cup."

"OK," Elle says and turns to the second guy and asks, "What's your tip?"

He has to think of something better so he tells her, "Don't give the hole away, you will never forgive yourself if you come up short, just hit it firm at the back of the hole!"

"OK," she says as she takes this advice on board and turns to the third guy who, by this time, is stark naked and in an obvious state of excitement. Elle shrieks "What are you doing?"

"Pick it up," he says, "It's a gimme!"

<% CASE "26" %>

A foursome approached the 10th tee and the man with the honors was just about to tee one up when a ranger drove up and interrupted their play. He pointed to the man who had ridden with him and was now carrying his clubs toward the green. "Could you let my friend play through? He'll be quick, he hits it long and straight. I'm asking for him because he's deaf and dumb. How about letting him on through?" said the ranger.

"We're not too shabby ourselves, and I'm one of the longest drivers around. We paid our money and what's more we have carts. He can wait his turn like we did," said the man, and he teed up his ball, set up quickly and sent one screaming down the fairway.

The ranger, a bit surprised, decided to bow out. He shrugged and walked back to his friend and explained to him in sign language that he'd have to wait, and then drove off. The other three men teed off rather quickly too, and the carts were soon well down the runway. When it came time for the first golfer to hit his ball (his ball had gone the farthest), he sent one up, right on the green. He was back in his cart and was starting to brag when he was smacked on the back of his neck with a golf ball. He whipped the cart around and looked back. 'Way back on the tee was the deaf and dumb man holding up four fingers.

<% CASE "27" %>

President Clinton got together with some of his golf buddies for a round. When they got ready to tee off on hole No. 1, Clinton removed his golf jacket and revealed that he had a pair of panties stuck to his upper left arm. Nobody in the group had enough moxie to ask about it, so they palyed their eighteen holes as usual.

When the game was completed, and drinks were flowing profusely at the '19th Hole', one of the group got enough 'Jack Daniels'" courage, and asked,"Mr. President? what's the story on those panties you have stuck to your left arm?"

Clinton replied, "It's a patch...I'm trying to quit."

<% CASE "28" %>

A golfer hit his ball into a ravine. When he finally got down the gully and found his ball his buddies couldn't see him for all the trees. They heard `whack, whack, whack' a pause then `whack, whack, whack, whack' and finally the ball came flying out of the woods.

When they got to the green and were counting up thier scores his buddies asked, "How many strokes did it take you to get out of
there?"

The golfer who was in the woods answered, "three".

His buddy looked at him quizzically and replied, "I heard seven."

His reply was, "Four of them were echoes."

<% CASE "29" %>

Two strangers met on the first tee of the golf club and after playing a few holes got behind two women who really slowed them down. One golfer says to the other, "You go up and ask them if we can play through."

The second golfer gets about half way up then turns and runs back to his new friend and says, "I can't go up there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. You better do it."

So the second golfer starts toward the women but half way, he too, turns and runs back to his playing partner and says, "It's a small world, isn't it?"

<% CASE "31" %>

A man and his wife were playing golf one day at an exclusive club. Immaculate fairways lined by million dollar houses. The man tells his wife, "Honey, whatever you do, don't hit the windows of one of these houses. It'll cost a fortune to have it replaced."

As fate would have it, on the 15th tee, she shanks one right through the plate glass window of a mansion. The husband says "Well, let's go over and see what it is going to cost us."

They knock on the door and a voice says come in. They walk in and see the broken window and a broken vase on the floor. A man on the couch says "Are you the ones that broke my window?" They reply yes and apologize. The man on the couch says, "No, I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been cooped up in that vase for a thousand years. You have freed me. I have three wishes to use. I will give each of you a wish and keep the 3rd for myself." He asks the man "What is your wish?"

He says, "I would like to have a million dollars each year for the rest of my life."

The genie says "It's the least I can do, there is a million dollars in your bank account now." He asks the woman, "What is your wish?"

She says, "I would like to have a house in every country of the world."

The genie says, "It is done."

The husband then asks the genie, "What are you going to wish for?" The genie replies, "Well, I have been cooped up in that bottle for a thousand years and I haven't had a woman in all that time. I would like to sleep with your wife."

The man tells his wife, "You know honey, that is a lot of money and all those houses. I don't really mind."

The woman agrees and she and the genie go upstairs. The genie ravishes the woman for 2 hours. After the genie is done, he asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"

The wife says, "36. Why do you ask? The genie says, "36 years old and he still believes in genies!"

<% CASE "32" %>

A bad golfer was searching for his lost ball in a cave when he came upon an ancient lantern in the dirt. He rubbed it hard, and out came a genie. The genie said, "Today is your lucky day. I will grant you three wishes, but be forewarned - anything that I grant you will be granted to your mother-in-law in double quantity!"

"Cool", the bad golfer thought as he pondered his three wishes. "First, I would like one set of Callaway Tungsten-titanium irons", he told the genie.

"Your wish is granted," said the genie, "and your mother-in-law has just had two sets of irons delivered to her home."

"Second, I would like one million dollars to travel the world golfing", said the bad golfer to the genie.

"Your wish is granted," replied the genie, "One million dollars has been deposited into your bank account, and I have placed 2 million dollars into your mother-in-law's bank account."

"All right!" the bad golfer thought, "Now, for my third and final wish, I would like you to scare me half to death!"

<% CASE "33" %>

A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church.

Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag. His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

And the man said "This is not going to take all day is it?"

<% CASE "34" %>

Moses, Jesus, and this other guy are out enjoying a round of golf at the famed (and Heavenly) Augusta National Golf Club.

Moses steps up to the tee of the picturesque yet deceiving and tricky uphill/downhill Par 4 11th, unsheathes his brand new 9 degree Callaway Great Big Bertha graphite shaft Titanium driver and crushes a long one... It's right down the left-center of the fairway, but in Tigeresque fashion, his ball flies through the fairway and toward the pond in front of the green. His caddie is standing at the crest of the hill watching the flight of the ball and he yells back at the tee box to Moses; warning him it's heading straight for
the water. So just before the ball finds its watery grave, an alarmed Moses quickly raises his club, the water of Rae's Creek begins to part, and his ball takes a huge ounce off a now dry and exposed rock at the pond's bottom and lands safely on the left fringe of the green. He goes ahead and plays out. With an awesome Phil Mickelson type
bump-and-run, he chips up to within six inches or so and then drains what's left for a Birdie. He begins to brag to the rest of his threesome about his creative shot-making skills...

Next on the tee, Jesus strolls up and hits a nice, long one directly toward the same water hazard stemming from Rae's Creek. It heads for the exact center of the pond, but just before splash-down, it begins to hover about an inch over the water. Jesus adamantly declines Moses's offer to let Jesus borrow his new FootJoy DryJoys and GolfSmith Gore-Tex Wet Suit and he walks nonchalantly out onto the pond and chips his Titleist DT Wound 100 Compression HP2 Tour up and into the hole for Eagle. He winks at Moses and gives a boastful smile of confidence to the other guy.

So now this other guy gets up and casually whacks his tee shot. It's a ferocious hook of ugly proportions; flying high and way out of the fairway to the left trees, way beyond the O.B. markers, over a fence and into the neighboring Augusta Country Club where it bounces off a broken-down golf cart, and hits a tree. From there it bounces back out to the edge of Augusta National, finds the top of the leader-board above the 11th green, falls down hard onto a sprinkler head below, bounces high into the grand-stands at the 12th Tee, and then rolls gently down the hill back toward the aforementioned pond next to the 11th.

On the way to the pond, the ball firmly hits a little stone in the fairway and bounces out over the water onto a strange lily pad in the pond, where it rests quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps onto the lily pad and snatches the ball into its mouth. A rare bald eagle swoops down, grabs the frog with its claws and soars away. As they pass high over the 11th green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball from its mouth, which now lands miraculously onto the center of the large yet narrow green, takes two quick hops forward and then a Tour Balata back spin, runs out in a direct line to the hole, rolls slower and slower on this laser-precise Augusta green, ever closer and closer to the cup and finally, in Masters Championship fashion, drops in, dead center, for a beautiful Hole-In-One!

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playin' with your Dad."

<% CASE "35" %>

"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose." - Winston Churchill

<% CASE "36" %>

"As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round." - Ben Hogan

<% CASE "37" %>

"Golf is twenty percent mechanics and technique. The other eighty percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation." - Grantland Rice

<% CASE "38" %>

"If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States." - H.L. Mencken

<% CASE "39" %>

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf." - Bob Hope

<% CASE "40" %>

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon

<% END SELECT %>

 
 
<% SELECT CASE right(second(now),4) CASE "0" %>

This joke works best when you're playing a hole with a road that parallels the hole:

I was playing this hole one time with a senior citizen and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared.

I said, "That's really nice of you. Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?"

He said, "No, not usually, but I it's the least I could do in this case. I was married to the woman for 40 years!"

<% CASE "1" %>

There were these two guys who played golf together frequently. The one guy was several strokes better than the other guy, but the lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. Finally, one Saturday morning he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "You know, I've been trying to beat you for so long, I'm about ready to give up. But I heard about this golfing gorilla, and was wondering if it would be OK if he plays for me today. In fact, if you're willing, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year, which I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. You game?"

The other guy thinks about it for a minute, and then decides to play the gorilla, thinking, "after all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?"

Well, the first hole was a straight-away par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole. The guy turns to his friend and says "that's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this f***ing gorilla back to where he comes from - I need a drink, better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double scotch the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The first guy replies "Same as his driving."

"That good, huh?"

"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

<% CASE "2" %>

Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar, but he didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said, so he asks him for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag, and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

<% CASE "3" %>

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.

One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"

"Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes."

"That's great. Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

<% CASE "4" %>

Jeff and Ian were out for their usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what, Ian, let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you a dollar that I score lower than you do this round."

"Sounds good, Jeff."

And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives, they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was, Jeff could not find his golf ball. He looked all over, but to no avail. "Ian, help me look for the ball!"

"I'll look around from here, Jeff, but don't forget - a lost ball counts as two strokes!"

Jeff looked around some more, but couldn't find the ball. Finally, out of desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it on the ground when Ian was not looking. He then yelled, "Ian, I've found it!".

Ian exploded. "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for a mere dollar!"

Jeff replied, "What do you mean 'cheater'? I found that ball, I'll play it where it lies!" Ian said.

"That's not your golf ball! I've been standing on your ball for five minutes!"

<% CASE "5" %>

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK! "Damn."

A bad skydiver goes: "Damn." WHACK!

<% CASE "6" %>

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. - Don Carter, pro bowler

<% CASE "7" %>

Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven, talking about the earth, and some things that they never got to do when they were there. Jesus says to Moses, "Man, I really want to go and play just one game of golf. Maybe God will let me go and play a game."

So Jesus went and asked God if he could play a game of golf. "Well, I suppose", says God "but Moses has to go with you to be your caddy." Jesus and Moses agree, and soon find themselves at pebble beach, with golf shoes, and a bag of clubs and one ball. Jesus had been playing a good game, when he came to the 9th hole, and saw a plaque. It said, "The only person to ever score a hole in one on this hole was Arnold Palmer."

"Well", says Jesus, "If Palmer can do it, why can't I? I'm Jesus Christ" Moses gives him his ball and tee, and stands back to watch. Jesus adjusts his robe and halo, fixes his stance and exhales deeply. He shouts "Fore!" and whacks the ball. It sails into the air, hooks a little to the left, and splashes nicely into the water trap.

"Oh, no!", says Jesus. "That was my only ball! Hey Moses, could you go and get it for me?"

Moses goes down to the water trap, parts the water, and walks in and gets the ball back.

Jesus tees off again, "Fore!" and it sails down into the water trap again.

"Hey Moses..." but Moses was already on his way to get the ball. He got back shortly, but before he gave back the ball, he said, "I'm tired of getting your ball. If you hit it in the water again, you can go get it."

Jesus takes the ball, and sure enough, he hits it straight into the water. Then he goes down to the water, and starts to look for the ball, walking on top of the water.

Some other golfers start to play through, and they notice some guy walking around on the water, so one guy says to Moses, "Who's that guy think he is?.......Jesus Christ or something?"

"No", replies Moses, "Arnold Palmer."

<% CASE "8" %>

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!"

<% CASE "9" %>

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' is merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

<% CASE "10" %>

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?"

"I would!"

"And would you let her come into my house?"

"I would!"

"Would she be working in my kitchen?"

"She would!"

"Would she sleep in my bed?"

"She would!"

"Would she put her clothes in my press?"

"She would!"

"Would she have drive my Mercedes?"

"She would!"

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"DEFINITELY NOT!"

"Why?"

"She's left-handed!"

<% CASE "11" %>

A German, Englishman and American are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families.

The German says I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team."

The Englishman says, "Ha! That's nothing I have 10 boys, one more and I'll be the world-champion soccer-team's coach."

The American starts laughing.. He says, "I've had 17 wives and no kids!! But one more wife and I'll open a golf course!"

<% CASE "12" %>

If you don't succeed at first, don't despair. Remember, it takes time to learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime finding out about the game before they give up. - Stephen Baker

<% CASE "13" %>

Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and so he does. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. So He steps up to tee off, and his too is a straight drive up the fairway, but a little shorter.

Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs the ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can even get ten feet, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the trio gets above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole in one.

Arnold Palmer turns to Jesus and says, "Are you going to play golf or are you going to fool around?"

<% CASE "14" %>

There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there's a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.

Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses.

When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan the most beautiful golf course he had ever seen. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at at first site, and he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round. The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there.

He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the beautiful golf course there.

When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course. Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his golden tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball. Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball.

"That's the Hell of it," says Satan.

<% CASE "15" %>

A pastor had a really bad golf habit and, since most of his days were spent helping the community, the only time he could sneak a round in was on Sunday morning. He felt quite guilty about this but just couldn't find any other time to play. One Sunday morning he was alone on the links, and God and St. Peter happened to look down upon him. St. Peter said, "Look at that man of God, playing golf before church on Sunday, I believe that he should be punished."

"Your right," God replied, and snapped his fingers just as the pastor made contact. The ball sailed right at the hole and dropped in for an ace.

"Why did you do that?" St. Peter said. "I think he should be punished and you give him a hole-in-one!"

"Sure," God replied, "but who's he gonna tell?"

<% CASE "16" %>

A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."

"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it."

"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."

"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."

"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."

"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."

"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."

"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."

"No, Father, I was still cool."

"You mean you missed the F*@#&%# putt ?!!?"

<% CASE "17" %>

A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off their rounds together. The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults."

"Somersaults?! How many of them does it do??"

"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick him in the ass!"

<% CASE "18" %>

Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he new of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. How could a guy who was almost a century old, see as well as an eagle!?

Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asked Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"

To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."

Jeb asked, "Where'd it go?"

Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

<% CASE "19" %>

Two dimwitted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which. They decided to ask the course pro to decide their fate.

After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks, "which one of you used the yellow one?"

<% CASE "20" %>

A group of senior golfers were exchanging notes about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive ourselves to golf!"

<% CASE "21" %>

Re: The admission of women to the club.

Since the admission of women to the club, members are asked to obey the following rules.

  1. Ladies are prohibited from touching the gentlemen's balls either with hands or club.
  2. Players are requested to remain silent during the short strokes.
  3. All players with partners are requested to come together. When the lady partner comes first, the gentleman must not delay his strokes but continue playing.
  4. In cases where a long position is impossible, the players may so choose a new position.
  5. Players deciding on a new lay must start at least a club's length from the hole.
  6. Members are requested to stay out of any hole, showing signs of recent repair or undergoing monthly overhaul until the red flag has been lifted.
  7. All holes must be kept clean at all times.
  8. Members are also urged to use reasonable precautions at all times as 'The Management' cannot be held responsible for balls lost in the bushes around the holes.

<% CASE "22" %>

The golfer called one of the caddies over and asked, "I want a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"

"11 sir" said the caddy.

"Good, you'll do perfectly." .

<% CASE "23" %>

I was out golfing the other day. The only good ball I hit was when I accidentally stepped on the rake!

<% CASE "24" %>

A golfer is having a bad time of it, his game is getting worse and worse. Soon he's so bad that he's embarrassed to be seen playing. He decides that he'll practice early in the morning so that nobody sees him and hopes to get better again fairly soon.

On the first morning he's quite nervous but he tees up the ball on the first tee and gives it a smack. The ball slices viciously and flies over the golf club fence. The golfer hears one bounce and nothing. He's so depressed he packs his stuff up and goes home.

The next day he decides to persevere and tee's up early again. Again he slices the ball over the fence but this time the ball narrowly misses a man walking his dog. The golfer rushes over to the man apologizing as he goes.

"You were here and did the same thing yesterday weren't you?" the man asks the golfer.

"Yeah, I seem to have a problem with golf right now." The golfer answers.

"Did you see where yesterdays ball ended up?" the dog owner asks.

"No," says the golfer.

"Oh it bounced off a lamp-post onto the main road. It caused a car to skid into a mother pushing a pram. Both the mother and baby were killed instantly."

"That's terrible!!" exclaims the golfer, "What do you think I should do?"

"You could try dropping your left shoulder and changing your grip a little."

<% CASE "25" %>

The Pope calls the Prime Minister of Israel and challenges his country to provide one man for a golf match. The game is to be played in Israel and it is agreed the golfer must be a religious figure.

Not wanting to lose, the Pope contacts Arnold Palmer who is honored to represent the Vatican. Arnie is instructed to refer to himself as Father Palmer and he proceeds to Israel.

About a week later he returns and reports to the Pope. Your Holiness, he says, "I am sorry to relate I lost."

The Pope says,"How could you, one of the world's greatest golfers, lose to an Israeli?"

Arnie replies, "Well, I played Rabbi Nicklaus"

<% CASE "26" %>

The arrogant "know it all" golfer, and also the caddies nightmare, teed up at the first hole a 320 yard par 4. As he was standing over his ball, he told his caddie, "This hole only needs a good drive and a putt. Give me the driver".

He waggled once, swung, and topped his ball right in to a tree just off the tee deck. The ball bounced backwards and stopped 10 feet in front of the golfer

As he walked towards the ball the caddie handed over the putter and said "And now we will see one hell of a putt".

<% CASE "27" %>

"When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron." - Lee Trevino

<% CASE "28" %>

"Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well." - Unknown

<% CASE "29" %>

"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six and write down five." - Paul Harvey

<% CASE "31" %>

"Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole." - Unknown

<% CASE "32" %>

"Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer." - Tommy Bolt

<% CASE "33" %>

"Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears." - Bobby Jones

<% CASE "34" %>

"I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games." - Ben Hogan

<% CASE "35" %>

"I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them." - Harry Tofcano

<% CASE "36" %>

"Golf is a good walk spoiled." - Mark Twain

<% CASE "37" %>

"The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing." - Dave Hill

<% CASE "38" %>

"If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. - Unknown"

<% CASE "39" %>

"Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don't you? - Ben Hogan

<% CASE "40" %>

"The harder you work, the luckier you get." - Gary Player

<% END SELECT %>



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